Such a daunting word. I’ve realized in dissecting the word like a frog in 6th grade, that one must’ve been covered in the first place, to become covered once again. But recovery runs deep and wears more masks than kids wear on Halloween. Sometimes, to some people, it means healing. Healing from a nightmare turned reality, for years in some cases. A nightmare that starts as soon as your head hits the pillow, and is so intense and so scary, but for some reason, the fear, instead of waking you, keeps you asleep and shackled to that nightmare, bound by hands and ankles for what seems an eternity. And as you keep walking down the dark, lonely, fog blanketed windy dirt road of that nightmare, you venture in to the darkest, hopeless, most dirty and forgotten corners of your soul.
Sometimes for other people, recovery means another try. Your third or fourth tour in this hell storm of a war. A war against every enemy possible, the many external enemies, pain, resentment, poverty, abuse, other people, AND against the many enemies inside of you, self pity, torture, self destruction, sickness, shame, and pride. As many times as you try to win battle after battle, each one, takes a small piece out of you and empties your soul like swirling water down a drain.
To me, recovery is all these things, and more. It’s an opportunity to stare your ugly, pitiful, dirty shameful reflection straight in the face, and spit right in its eye. And even if it’s my own face getting spit on, in many ways I deserve it. However, it’s the new me spitting at the old me. The recovered me reconciling the previous me who had no cover, no shelter and many nights walked like a zombie in the streets like a dirty dog. Recovery to me, is also, walking back out of that dark, foggy, scary dirt road to a new life, to a new reality. If you walk three miles into the woods, you can bet for sure that you’ll have to walk three miles back, to get out. Recovery is like baseball seasons opening day. A brand new start, with the stands packed with fans, the beautiful sun shining on my face, pristine grass under my cleats, where everyone is in first place, and anything is possible.