I spent Thanksgiving alone, I actually had somewhere I was supposed to be; my heart goes out to the souls who don’t have family around for the holidays. Anyway I was really looking forward to it but… you guessed it, stomach issues. Worst of all, though my Dad totally understood (we just understand each other), my Mum accused me of “only having issues when I was supposed to spend time with the family”. That’s bullshit, I’ve had issues and missed school, work, modeling shoots, filming, parties, dates and everything inbetween. In fact I miss rather a lot due to being sick all the time, and yes some of that is family time but it felt horrid being accused of that. I mean I know I’m not making this shit up, the pain in my gut right now that feels like “My intestines are being crushed and scrunched up into a little ball, kinda like the dude who gets disemboweled on “American Horror Story Roanoke”, ok yeah it’s not that bad but the metaphorical illusion definitely popped up in my brain :/.” Who the hell wants to spend Thanksgiving alone? Not only that I’m alone today too, my family is all in Vancouver and I was feeling sick again, my parents are going on a trip to Iraq (I told them this sounded like a horrible idea) over the holidays and my sister will be in Toronto.
In days past (like when I was 18-19) I would have thought it was dope to have the house to myself for a few weeks so I could have a party or girls over (moved out of that phase a long time ago). Now… I think I’ll try and lose myself in my work to not think about the fact that I’ll be alone for the holidays.
Fuck this sounds bloody depressing, THE POINT IS I’m gonna get up and do stuff. I’m still trying to taper Klonopin and anyone who has ever used Benzos longterm (prescribed or not) can tell you it’s one of the hardest things to get over. I know the emotions aren’t technically real right now, but what does that mean? Does the fact that it’s caused by lack of a medicine and withdrawal mean that it’s any less real than like…. “a breakup” or something? Same difference really I think, regardless I’ve found a few things to concentrate on that are helping.
I may be sick, but I’m certainly not dead yet. I’ve fought my way through worse than this, lately I’ve been feeling angry and sad about having my medical issues. It’s hard for me to watch kids that I graduated with become celebrated (published authors, world famous fitness models, professional American football players/cheerleaders, even just getting a blue verified mark on Instagram for being “such a good college footballer”). Christ it still bothers me that I was invisible in high school and girls never paid any attention to me, some days it just seems like the popular kids got everything back then and they still get everything now too (didn’t they say College is when things flipped)? I’d say that’s the worse pain, it’s certainly the hardest for me to cope with. It’s not the fact that I’m in physical pain that hurts so much, but to know what my potential could have been had I not been sick.
Whatever, I’m going to become celebrated too. I may be bashing my head against a brick wall but I’ll get through it eventually! I’m so tired of telling people I live at home with my parents because I’m so sick all the time and have been in the past, I’m going to figure out a way to succeed in life; somehow some way!
This blog post may be rather sad and depressing comparatively to my normal writing style but… I started this to showcase what it really means to be ill and chronically anxious and depressed, ALL SIDES OF IT. People don’t believe in invisible illnesses (like Chrons) or see them as Taboo and it’s a bathroom disease they don’t want to discuss. They don’t want to acknowledge that mental illness is REAL and it’s bloody hard to deal with. I’m going to write from the heart (yes I’m aware that sounds cliché as fuck but it’s true). I think if I write my true thoughts and feelings down maybe it can help others that have the same issues as me or maybe at least help those that don’t understand us better. Even if not looking on the positive side at least it’s a good place to vent.
Love y’all. Stay up, stay strong and stay fighting. It’s hard but we’re all going to get through it, there can be no success without struggle.