So you met a really cool girl (or guy, I can really only write from a heterosexual male’s point of view, hoping to get some content from The Gay Community as well as a woman’s perspective, IF YOU CAN WRITE FROM EITHER OF THOSE CONTACT US!!!), at the club and you guys hit it off; or maybe you matched on Tinder and now you’re off to her place. What. Do. You. Say? I mean it’s not like she’s not gonna notice the bag hanging off your stomach right? So how do you tell a stranger you’ve literally just met about your Ostomy (without getting into the details, trust me I own that shit but it can be a real mood killer if they’re just looking for a hookup and nothing else).
The answer is it’s really up to you how much to tell them, me personally? I’m straight up honest as fuck because I really don’t care about sex/hooking up as much as I used too. HOWEVER; I will be very honest in saying that the fact that I have a bag has stopped a fair few women from hooking up with me. I’m not kidding about two months ago I had a gal I met at Unicorn (late 20’s visiting from Vancouver BC just for the night); we were literally about to leave for her hotel room when she felt my Stealth Belt under my shirt. She asked what it was and I explained, suddenly she stops and says that she really needs to get back to her friends, now of course she said my bag wasn’t the issue but… c’mon really? I’ve also had the above posted screenshot happen to me as well; where a girl straight up told me she could never find my Ostomy attractive (at least she was honest though… many are not). I’ve had plenty of women disappear on me when the whole Ostomy thing came up (but I’ve also had women who were drawn to the fact that I was 100% completely honest about it and said it was ballsy and attractive that I “owned it”).
I’ve never felt the need to hide who I was and you shouldn’t either. However again if you’re just looking for a casual fling/hookup, it may be best to keep your mouth shut or give very sparing details. The “I had surgery and it’s complicated but don’t worry I’m fine ;)” usually works pretty well (I’ve used this when I don’t feel like explaining it right that second, I always tell them later because I’m more keen on raising awareness but they don’t ask a second time; it’s always me bringing it up after they’ve already asked once. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your Ostomy/disease or whatever else you may have (unless you have an STD or communicable disease, then YOU DO OWE IT TO THEM TO SAY SOMETHING).
This generation especially is more tolerant than previous generations but also more shallow, in a world where a new sexual partner is literally a “swipe away”, we’ve become more obsessed with a certain “generic conformist standard of beauty”. Here’s the thing, I would NEVER advocate hiding who you are, but if you’re just looking for a casual thing or a hookup (and both many men and women are), if you want the greatest chances of success it’s best not to kill the mood.
This is also the complete opposite of what you should do if you’re looking for a relationship, ever since I added this disclaimer to my online dating profiles: “DISCLAIMER: I have a bag attached to my stomach, I've been through a lot of sh*t and I'm lucky to even be alive right now. If that's not your thing I totally get it, but say so before we waste each other's time :). I've also uploaded a picture so before you judge me for shirtless pictures just remember it's because I'm being honest about what look like haha ;).” The amount of traffic and responses I’ve gotten have not only been better and of WAY better quality, they’ve also been a much higher quantity. I’d say it’s at least doubled if not tripled traffic/responses on Okcupid and POF, didn’t seem to make too much of a difference with Tinder (which I would say is a good thing, since that’s almost purely based on looks) and also didn’t seem to make much of a difference on Coffee Meets Bagel. The real kicker is when I go on dates and meet these women in person, it just seems like THE CONNECTION IS SO MUCH BETTER!
Relationships are based on honesty, hooking up is most certainly not; there is a huge difference between the two and I hope this article will help Ostomates and other people with disabilities feel a little bit better out there in the Dating Scene ^_^; I know it’s scary putting yourself out there, but stay courageous and keep on fighting!