December 3rd Blog Post (5th Day Fighting my Addiction)

Is it redundant to write “December 3, 2017” as the title of this post if the date is mentioned under the title anyway? Ah well, fuck it; today was rough. It started out ok enough, made sure I got plenty of sleep last night; mum made some dope portioned up baked chicken/seasoned rice/baked veggies to ice up and put in the fridge (works brilliantly with my system, doesn’t cause blockages because everything is well cooked and not raw PLUS I get to eat healthy; harder than it looks when you’re an Ostomate); anyway I had to cover this girl’s shift from work and I kinda got shafted on the placement of everything. A 7:30 AM shift to 12 PM followed by 1:30 PM to 5 PM and then 6:15 PM to 8:15 PM; certainly not the hardest or the longest I’ve ever done (shit remember that time I pulled a straight 18 hour shift at 24? Literally worked from 6 AM one day to 6 AM the next day, didn’t even have a car back then so during my break from 1 – 5 I couldn’t even go home, muffukas slept at Starbucks in one of those comfy couches hahaha).

Started out ok… I tell ya I really hate this Clorazepam stuff, I mean don’t get me wrong; shits Godsend if you have Anxiety and you’ve got shit to do (especially the social kind); Benzos really do help quite a bit in a pinch. Like when I felt Anxious this morning and my eyes got all twitchy it’s like; I can’t exactly go to work like that can I? I mean I don’t give a flying fuck what people think about me (that’s a fat lie, I say that shit all the time, but subconsciously I wouldn’t have the Anxiety in the first place if I really didn’t care); but they’d fire my ass if my eyes twitched all weird like when people were coming to check in at the membership desk (They’d think I was on Drugs or something hehe, I guess technically I am; does it matter that said drugs were prescribed in a Doctor’s office? What the hell is the difference anyway honestly?). I mean come on yo; nobody is gonna understand that shit, at least not where I am in life. With more power and influence comes greater leverage to use to help people understand we with issues like Social Anxiety and Disabilities may have other needs than regular folks; but till then I gotta take these stupid pills.

It’s kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place; everything starts out fine and I’m like a normal person, but.. as the drug starts to get stronger (or side effects, or the comedown, who fucking knows honestly); I start getting… weird. No really, I become a very odd character; I start babbling about all kinds of nonsense (ok it’s not that bad it’s still understandable); but it’s definitely not relevant conversation to whatever I should be talking about. For instance, a coworker asked me about the Pageant and Mr. USA; could barely explain that shit; or even asking another coworker about his travels in the Middle East (I think I just babbled about some movie I watched awhile back).

It’s just fucking irritating; I’m kinda hoping as I complete this challenge and beat my ACTUAL addiction… That I don’t gotta take the pills anymore; damn that would be so fucking dope.. I don’t even take a large amount, literally cut the .5 Milligrams into .25 (maybe I should try taking a quarter? Note to self, try that out). That’s not even the worst of it; After I came back for the 2nd shift, I got so sick I could barely stand (started weaving around like I was drunk or something, it was pretty horrid, could barely remember what I was supposed to be doing); I asked my Supervisor what I should do (and said I probably wouldn’t make the Staff Meeting afterwards); and she said “If you’re sick don’t worry just go home”; I didn’t want us to be short staffed but she said it was alright and we had enough people; I guess I’m lucky I have understanding bosses. Although.. I’m not sure how long that will be the case; it always starts out fine sure, but regular folks can’t see guys like me are sick. They usually just think we’re lazy; I mean the problem is I don’t look “Sick”; I look like I’m tough and have my shit together. I look like I work out a lot; and I talk like… Like I don’t know; like I’m not a victim (and I’m not); the point is I don’ t look like I’m sick and it’s hard for people to understand I’m not just blowing off Work or School or Gym Training; it’s the same shit when I miss some stupid House Party with my mates or some Date I was supposed to go on. Do you know how many bloody jobs I’ve been fired from just because I was in the Emergency Room too much? I’m not fucking kidding either, that Insurance Company I was a Data Analyst for? Yep, went to the hospital one to many times.

The number of homies that just don’t hit me up anymore cuz I blew off a party with them or a kickback one too many times, or the number of girls that thought I wasn’t interested because I told them I had to cancel instead of throwing up in the backseat or something. I’m just saying; things aren’t always how they seem; when I managed to get home from work (which was a job itself I’ll tell ya); I passed out for like 7 hours! I’m not kidding I got home at 4ish and woke up somewhere around 11; where the fuck did the time go? My stomach and head still hurt like a motherfucker too. Damn.

I hope I don’t get fired yo. It sucks looking at it cuz this isn’t where I wanted to be at 24 at all. Yeah yeah it’s cool being Mr. Washington and having all that film stuff; but it doesn’t pay the bills. Certain things do and I have other stuff in the works but man; it’s just rough to watch all the people you went to school with (especially the lot of them that acted like they were better than you); STILL act like they’re better than you except now… They actually went to good schools, have great jobs, great relationships annnnnnd you’re still at home with mummy daddy playing Modded Skyrim (ok not all the time hahaha).

I’m not lazy, I work my fucking ass off on all these stupid side projects and books and apps and business ideas and I have like 3 different contracts that I get paid for as far as writing and acting and plus a real job too! I’m almost done with my Associates and I’ve worked my ass off to get here. Try having to drop out of school 5 times (when you have straight A’s and you’re halfway through the quarter too mind you); but still, I’ve gotten to where I am. I’m missing like 80% of my Digestive system (what happens with all that empty space anyway?), I’ve nearly died how many times now? But still, it’s always that look of: “I’m better than you and always will be, don’t even talk to me” or worse… The look of Pity like “Damn I feel bad for you son”. I can’t tell ya which one makes me feel worse, probably the latter since I can still hate on the former and use that fire to get me through the most painful days.

Wow I just skimmed through this blog post and it’s kind of fucking depressing yo; hmm let’s see how can I brighten this up a bit… Oh! The picture I used at the top is from the #Misunderstood #Docuseries on #Millenials (yes they demanded I use Hashtags on everything hahaha); it’s from week 8 and I gotta say; even though it’s just an “Instaseries” it’s been garnering a fair amount of attention. In any case now by doing this project with them I’ve got more friends in New York which will help a lot not only if this series catches attention but if another series is found that calls for a guy like me.

Oh and I started Praying again; it was nice man; I haven’t Prayed since I was like 16 at Military School. Prayed with my Old Man; side by side like that, taking out just 10 minutes of our day for our Creator? Shit; made me feel like I can do this again, like I can not only fight for the cause but keep on going and just.. Maybe be happy. It’s going to take a lot, but I’m starting to feel like I can make it. Like I can go out there and really be something (and that isn’t some fake ass bright spark enthusiasm I cooked up so I can be “motivational”; that’s real shit and you can take that to the bank 😊). Much Love to you Folks Reading this; I know my Bitching probably doesn’t help but.. I hope that my words show that y’all aren’t the only one’s suffering out there.. Much love and respect.

Your Friend and Fellow Survivor; Saleem.

Also Note: I have no bloody idea what I'm doing with this SEO stuff (what can I say, I'm not a Coder :D); so please forgive the utter nonsense I've typed in the "Meta Description"; I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually! Till then consider all of it... tests; lmao. 

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