Forgive any spelling mistakes you may find; I'm writing this on an exercise bike, not exactly ideal but in my opinion far better than wasting time on Tinder or something .
I did something a little.. Extreme on January 8th. I made an Oath; now I have a weird obsession with Fantasy stuff. Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Game of Thrones, The Witcher etc. (Seriously, if I'm not doing Guided Meditation before bed I legit read the Wikis cuz the Lore is simply intriguing to me ).
So because #NOFAP has been a little hard for me, I actually went and did like a Serious Knight's Oath, like one would in a Video Game or something.
It's been a problem, I've been... Snorting my Adderall Pills; though not for the reason you think. Don't give a shit about the high; but it legit made me better at everything. My Speeches were suddenly inspiring, hell I could Inspire people my parents had over at the damn dinner table. I was Strong too, could keep up with my Trainer in the gym no problem and literally without feeling pain.
But most importantly... I wasn't afraid anymore.. All my life everytime I walk into a room I get this... Panicking Feeling. It makes me sweat and twitch and people think I'm creepy, which then makes my Anxiety worse. Catch 22 right?
It started off innocently enough, my GI system isn't the same as normal people, even Immediate Release tablets gave me energy but made me more Anxious than anything else. So.. In the hopes of getting a better effect I put them up my nose instead.
And it worked. By God it worked wonderfully. Suddenly I was Tough, Strong and literally Fearless. Wasn't afraid of anything and I could get so much done....
But. Unfortunately that kind of thing is a drug and it's Addictive as all hell, stopped only using it for my workouts, suddenly I was using it for work too. And it made me so damn angry all the time. All the Bitterness and Rage just bled out of me at extremely Inconvenient times.
So I had to stop. I was cheating life and myself. Made a Chivalric Vow of Chastity until January 8th of next year (because much as I love Nofap it's still as much about getting girls as it is Self Improvement, so I'm purely focused on Self Improvement now).
Been tough these first two days but God damn it I'm tired of being afraid and I'm tired of being fake. I'm going to take all that emotion and put it into something that actually counts.
I've discovered part of my problem is looking in the mirror and being depressed as hell by it. I know part of my platform is not worrying about what people think about you, but clearly that's one of the biggest things troubling me and I've gotta get past it.
SO! Onto action, I spend far more time in the gym than I did before, I don't give a flying fuck if I have to change my pouch 4 times a week. I will look in the mirror and Smile and I will Smile big. I can see the difference from when I was using Adderall and overworking so I already know I'm more than capable of building the body and face that I WANT TO SEE.
Vanity may not equal Confidence.. But for now it serves its purpose. Instead of visualising how much I'll impress other people I'm focusing on how much I'll impress myself. The Vow of Chastity was necessary too, so that I didn't start doing this to impress girls or whatever, gotta do it as the first step to CHANGING MY LIFE. Nobody else's; before I can Inspire anyone else.. I need to Inspire myself .
Got a plan too, fix myself then I can fix the world and be a True Advocate. Instead of one who's hiding behind a Mask of shoveling Adderall up my nose to be Strong. Strength should come from within, end of story.
So that what I'm focused on, I'll be documenting how it goes down too; if it should intrigue you to follow my journey.
Questions, Comments, Concerns?
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